Note 2 self

The silence is immediate and deafening.

Out in the cold and in the dark, hanging by a thread, I search for answers as to why things are the way they are now. I know they will not be found, for they are not mine to give, but for some reason I try anyway, as if maybe it's all my fault after all and I should be the one to make it right.

And now I'm re-evaluating everything, because this has led me to wonder how much I really mean to all the people I know. Do I mean as much to them as they do to me? What are the dynamics of these relationships? With whom does the balance of power lie?

Should I really be so pragmatic and mercenary? I used to think not, but maybe, that was my mistake. Because really, we always expect something from our friends in return don't we? It might not be much, but that expectation still exists.

No expectations, no disappointments. That's so easy to say but the truth is, if you search yourself hard enough, you'll find that you do have expectations anyway. And it is when you feel that these expectations are a minimum and yet not fulfilled that there is the greatest disappointment.

Actions speak louder than words, or so the saying goes. Sometimes, inaction speaks volumes too.

So where do things stand? The answers don't lie with me. So I'm back to where I started from anyway, slave to the whims and fancies of others - sitting on my hands, staring blankly into space, with no control over what happens.

I've given it my all, done everything I could. Sometimes that simply isn't enough. If there was more that could have been done, someone tell me what that was, for I don't see it.

Here and now

Fatigued. Mentally, physically, emotionally fatigued. This semester has felt a lot longer than it really is, although curiously enough, my schedule is actually somewhat lighter in terms of class hours. The classes are harder, and require a lot more work, so that probably more than makes up for it.

I long to take to the field again for that fleeting escape from everything. To be among friends, to have meaningless banter, to have fun, win or lose. To feel the scorching sun on my back, to get home exhausted and raw, but thoroughly satisfied.

Unfortunately, exams beckon. 16 more days before the start of exams, and then, after 11 days, it will all be over.

But who am I kidding? There is precious little to look forward to after that. However, now is not the time for self-reflection.

Time to focus on the here and now.