Revisiting some lessons learnt

Sometimes we forget the lessons we have learnt, even if we leant them under some of the most difficult circumstances we have encountered. The principles and insight we have gained from our experiences can be so easily forgotten if we forget to remind ourselves of them.

When I was serving in the Army, I saw first hand how quickly situations could change. A minor detail could be the sole determinant of success or failure. Because there were many minor details in addition to the large ones, you could never cover all your bases. You planned for days in advance, meticulously formulating possible scenarios and responses, but you always knew, somewhere down the line, despite all the planning, something would screw up somehow. So you told yourself you were as prepared as you could be, but you also knew that on the simulated (after all, the SAF is all about wayang is it not?) battleground, you would have to improvise and react to unexpected situations.

Occasionally, pleasant surprises would come your way, and the objectives would be more easily accomplished than you expected. More often than not however, things would not go according to plan. And it was in situations like these that I saw how even the greatest of obstacles could be overcome. The way you and your section, platoon or company responded to the situation at hand largely determined success or failure. At the end of the day, the one thing that determined whether objectives were met was not how many situations you had anticipated. It was not how much and how well you planned. It wasn’t whether or not you had trained well. It was not whether or not everyone did what they were supposed to do. These things all contributed to overall success or failure, but they were not the crucial factor on which success or failure hinged upon.

That crucial factor was how you, your section, your platoon, your company and your commanders reacted to adverse situations. When the shit hits the fan, all your planning and preparation goes out the window. You either lose it completely because you no longer have a viable plan of attack, or you regroup and reconsider your options. Needless to say, losing it completely was a sure way to fail your mission. So a large part of our training was focused on working under pressure, when things seemed to go wrong at every turn. You had to believe that the obstacles could always be overcome, that even when things kept going wrong, you had to soldier on. Because somewhere down the line, something would give, and you would get the lucky break that you needed.

Just as situations could turn for the worse on minor details, they could quickly start to look up again. It was important that when you had those breaks, you were in a position to leverage on them, because failure could very quickly turn to success. To be able to take advantage of minor shifts in the situation, you had to stay positive. This was difficult to do alone, and so it was up to everyone to help each other. But there can be no basis for collective belief if there is none at the level of individuals – you could only be encouraged if you had wanted to be encouraged. So it was up to each individual soldier to believe that the odds could be overcome, no matter how difficult the circumstances. This was how victory could be snatched from the jaws of defeat.

Sometimes, in life, you are put in a similar position. You come face to face with obstacles so daunting you question whether or not you really are up to the challenge. Faced with these kinds of situations, you have 2 responses, very similar to the ones I mentioned above. You let your fatigue get to you, and you ask yourself whether or not it makes more sense to shirk the challenge – after all, it would definitely be easier to just avoid it. What is the point of continuing if you probably will not succeed? When at every turn, you have to dig so deep just to survive, you question your ability to stay the course, and consider changing tack.

Or you regroup and reconsider your options. You remember that you had to overcome obstacles to get to where you already are, and you remind yourself that to turn back now would be to waste all the effort that you’ve put in so far. So you carry on, because you know, somewhere down the road, that little shift in momentum will come, and if you manage to seize it, things will quickly look up.

I got so lost in the intensity of school the past 2 weeks; I completely lost sight of my bearings. Incessant deadlines for assignments, papers, research and projects coupled with the weight of my own expectations caused me to question my abilities, my motivation, my belief and my expectations. I temporarily forgot the lessons that I had learnt, which I thought I would not forget. I lost sight of my own principles and beliefs, and I forgot what I myself had told others countless times. I have humbly been reminded of them, thanks to the care and concern of those around me. So now I am doing my part – revisiting the lessons that I’ve learnt from my past experiences, and reminding myself not to forget them.

Questions

It has been 10 days since the last post. I wanted to blog about the elections in Canada. I wanted talk about the upcoming elections in Singapore, the indifference, and overseas voting. I have wanted to blog in a long time. And I have a lot to say. But inevitably, school, and the work associated with it always gets to me. I spent 7 hours on an essay about liberalism last weekend, and this weekend, I spent half a day programming, and another day working on my physics assignments. And those damn assignments are still not completed.

When you have spend a disproportionate amount of time on assignments every weekend, it's hard not to question whether you really shoule be doing this, and whether or not 2 and a half years on inactivity is just too much for your brain to shake off. I told myself I needed time, that the neurons would start firing again. After 5 months, I'm not so sure anymore. When you spend over half a day trying to figure out 5 or 6 problems, you begin to wonder whether you really are cut out for this, and whether you really want to do this after all. Geeky as it sounds, I actually would like some time to myself just so that I can spend time reviewing my work, and I simply can't find the time for even that.

Maybe university life is supposed to be like that, maybe I'm expecting too much of myself. But I see people around me squeezing out enough time out of their busy schedules. And isn't lowering your expectations a sort of escapism? It's so ironic how I used to worry so much less about my work when I didn't bother with it. I used to be able to pick things up quickly, and come to grips with what was required of me. Not anymore. Maybe not yet, maybe I do indeed still need time to shake off the years of unuse. But maybe not ever is also a possibility.

It's still only the first year, and I might still be adjusting, but the knowledge that next year is supposed to be the hardest in my 4 year program is not at all encouraging. I know my posts recently have been really whiny/angsty. I don't want to feel like this, but for 2 weekends in a row now, I revisit the whole "do I REALLY REALLY want this?" and "am I actually cut out for this?" phase.

The self-confidence that I used to have is shaken, and seems to be disappearing. It might not look like it from the outside, but it sure feels like it is just evaporating away every week. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Unsure about my abilities, unsure about my expectations and whether I can fulfill them. I'm not even sure about how I feel about this whole thing anymore - whether my fears and, dare I say it, insecurities, are even founded. Or is this much ado about nothing?

So many questions, so little answers. And absolutely no time at all to try to figure it out.

Back to computing now.