We're not "all the same"

Classes ended Tuesday, and we had an optional review session for one of our classes on Wednesday. This class is taught by a visiting prof, whom I've always thought was a little eccentric, but generally a nice guy. He sometimes seems like he doesn't know what he's doing, and he's not good at answering questions posed in class, but I'm not here to critique his teaching. Anyway, I decided not to go for the review, because I was pretty familiar with the material, but my friend did. And here's what happened during that class.

First, some background information. This friend of mine is Canadian, born and raised in Canada, although his parents are from Taiwan. Next, my prof likes to digress and give lots of unrelated anecdotes in class, and he's commented on more than one occasion on how impressed he is by the diversity if the student population in McGill.

So now, back to the review session. He's teaching, and then he goes on another of his tangential spiels, which results on him talking about the diversity and of how he doesn't get that back in the university where he's from (south of the border). Then he starts giving examples, by pointing out students in his class, with whom I (or rather my friend) assume he's spoken to before. "Like you, you're from Paris, and you, you're from..." Then he gets to my friend, and he says "from China".

So my friend is really mad, and goes to speak to the prof after class, partly because he had something else to speak to the prof about anyway. My friend tells the prof that he really shouldn't be telling people where they're from, and then he points out that he is Canadian, born in Canada, and that his family is from Taiwan, not China. And then my prof says:

"Oh, to me they're all the same"

Never mind the whole Taiwan-China issue, my friend was just too taken aback to react. Honestly, I'm glad I wasn't there. Because if I was, I would have lost it and probably shouted at him.

No, we're not all the same. Not everyone of Asian descent was born in Asia, and not everyone from Asia is from China. And you're a prof. You really should know better. And if you don't, then you really should know better than to say stuff like that.

Living in Montreal, cosmopolitan city and all, I have experienced racism before. Usually, I am unaffected. But I am truly astounded by the ignorance displayed by my prof. And in the course of apologising to my friend, he said numerous other things that just further proved his ignorance (which my friend told me but I can't remember exactly).

When my friend related this incident to me, I was pretty shocked and also angry as well. But I don't have the eloquence or the lucidity to say everything that's in my head right now. Also because I think the issues of race, ethnicity and nationality are complex ones. I'm also unsure if I should feel sorry that my prof is so ignorant and doesn't know it, or if I should be outraged because his remarks were so insensitive.

As of now, I still have not collected all my thoughts on this, and with exams looming, by the time I do, the anger might have passed. I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that a professor can be so ignorant.

In whose best interests?

There's a blog post here about how raising consumption taxes is the best way to go about financing help schemes for the poor. It's written by an economist, and it raises the point that consumption taxes do not distort price signals and hence do not add "excess burden" onto the economy. The contention is that everyone is taxed equally, but only the poor receive the help packages, so overall they are better off.

I think these contentions miss the point. As I stated in my letter, these help schemes won't be indefinite, and I doubt they will be around for as long as the tax increase will be. But going further than that, we have to recognise what is best for the economy may not be what is best for the lower-income. The widening income gap already suggests this as the poorer section of society is being left behind as the rest of the economy develops. So, if we want to help the poor, we should be looking at what works best for them, not what works best for the economy. We have to accept that what is best for the lower-income may not be good for the economy.

A widening income gap is undesirable for reasons other than economic ones. We have to be aware that this issue encompasses more than just economics, and we have to keep in mind the rationale for the increase - to help the lower-income. All the arguments for raising the GST I've seen so far are about how its best for the economy, how it lets us remain competitive and stuff like that. None of them address the reason why this is an issue in the first place - what is best for the poor?

More questions, but I don't have any answers

My letter has been published, and it's more or less there in its entirety. They only thing they removed was the comparison I did, and I think the essence of what I wanted to say was very much preserved. Oh, and they used "Government" when I used "government".

Today, there is another article in the Straits Times where our defence minister Teo Chee Hean re-iterated the point that the government's (no capital "g") intention is not to hurt the lower income. I don't doubt that, but I do believe the consequences of the GST hike will be exactly that, for reasons I have already outlined in the letter.

The argument that a growing economy will help them to shoulder this burden is, in my opinion, iffy at best. For one, there is the widening income gap, which already shows that the poor are getting left behind as the rest of our economy grows. This better ability to pay taxes doesn't apply to them. If the government can come up with the figures to show that GST is not regressive, or if they have concrete figures to show how their help packages will help this group of people, not only in the short term, but also in the long term, then I stand to be corrected. But as it stands, I don't see how we are going to be able to help the lower-income when they are going to be the ones paying for it.

So, if not the lower-income, who is going to pay for it? Something's got to give, and if we want to help this group of society, we are going to have to finance it somehow. As I mentioned, exempting necessities from GST might go some way into mitigating the burden on the poor. It will also however, affect tax revenues. So that means we might have to end up paying even higher GST. Without figures on tax revenues and government spending, I do not know if this is necessary. But I do feel that if our government wants to increase GST, it should at least have some figures back up its claim.

Also, I think that any increase in GST should be carefully considered. Have studies or surveys been carried out to map out the spending of the various income groups in our society? If so, where are they? And if not, then they should be undertaken. If spending patterns can be determined, then we will be able to gauge how regressive the GST really is, and how effective exempting necessities will be it mitigating that effect. In addition, it would also help us determine how our various taxes should be structured so as to help the lower-income.

As for cuts in income and corporate taxes, how much revenue does the government generate from these 2 sources, especially in comparison with revenue from GST? Teo Chee Hean mentioned that reducing income and personal taxes would encourage individuals to innovate and create business. I'm assuming that the logical extension is that this innovation and business will in turn be beneficial to Singaporeans.

The question is, how much of the benefits of greater innovation and businesses really go back to the lower-income? Furthermore, how much of an impact does lowering taxes really have on innovation and business anyway? When people want to start up businesses here, is it really the corporate tax structure that they view as a hindrance? Or are there other factors like red tape which might play a bigger role in discouraging people from doing so? In effect, what I'm asking is how much of a disincentive is the rate of corporate and income tax in reality?

These are just some of the questions I feel should be asked when we are considering the best way to finance help for the poor. There probably are other things to consider as well, but this is just off the top of my head. For now, I'm just waiting to see if there will be an official response.

The GST increase

It has been a while since I last posted anything, and part of the reason is that I've been swamped with midterms. There has been a temporary let up, and I've done better than I expected on some of my midterms. Much as I bitch and whine about being so busy, maybe it does bring out the best in me.

Anyway, I've read about the GST hike, and I do have some things to say about it. Quite a bit actually. So much so that I decided to write a letter into the ST Forum. I have no idea whether it will be published, and even if it does, it will probably be edited, so here it is as I sent it.

I refer to the article "GST will go up to 7 percent" by Lydia Lim (ST, Nov 14). According to the report, PM Lee justified the Goods and Services Tax (GST) increase by saying that the tax hike would be used to finance social measures to help lower-income Singaporeans. While it is heartening to know that the government has made plans to help this group of people, financing help schemes by increasing GST seems counterproductive.

The GST is a consumption tax. That is, people are only taxed on the portion of their income that they spend. It is a regressive tax, placing a greater burden on the poor, given that the lower-income households have to spend a larger proportion of their income on necessities, increasing GST would only serve to increase the tax burden on these households.

If person A earns $5000 a month, and person B earns $100 a month, and bot spend $800 on necessities, both individuals would have to pay $56 in taxes. As a percentage of income, person A would be spending 1.12% of his monthly income on taxes, while person B would have to spend 5.6% of his income. Person B is paying 5 times more of his income in taxes in percentage terms than person A.

It may be argued that the GST is not really regressive as the rich are able to spend more, and thus will be taxed more. However, even if we assume person A spends $1600, twice that of person B, the amount paid in taxes ($112) would still only be 2.24% of his monthly income, less than half that of the percentage of income person B spends on taxes, even though person B's consumption in absolute terms is lower. Furthermore, this neglects the fact that the poor usually spend a larger proportion of their income than the rich.

Increasing GST to help finance measures to help the lower-income households would only serve to place a greater tax burden on these families. The article also mentioned that PM Lee had pledged that the government would "put in place a comprehensive package to fully offset the impact of the GST hike". However, one would imagine that these measures would only help to alleviate the burden for a finite period of time, after which lower-income families would have to find ways to cope with higher taxes.

A look at the Ministry of Finance website also shows that from 2005 - 2007, income taxes for the highest tax bracket would have gone down by 2%, from 22% in 2005 to 20% in 2007. For the lowest tax bracket, the decrease is just 0.5%, from 4% to 3.5%. If the government is seeking to reduce the burden on lower- and middle-income families, why is the reduction in tax rates in the lower brackets lower than that of the higher tax brackets? This is especially given that PM Lee said that he wanted to "tilt the balance in favour of the lower income Singaporeans".

In addition, the government's simultaneous consideration of lowering corporate taxes to make Singapore more attractive to foreign investment seems to do this at the expense of Singaporeans. While it might not be the case, it seems that increasing the consumption tax has been effected so that corporate taxes can be reduced in future. This raises the question of whether the government is shifting the burden of tax from companies onto individual Singaporeans, and specifically, lower-income Singaporeans.

If the balance is to be tilted in favour of this group of Singaporeans, it would seem more prudent to mitigate the regressive nature of GST by exempting basic necessities from it so that the lower-income households would not have to bear a greater burden of taxation when they are already struggling to make ends meet.

While I applaud the fact that the government is looking into ways to help the lower-income group in Singapore, the means by which these measures will be finance appear to put a greater burden on the very group of people they are supposed to help.

The link to the MOF webpage on personal income taxes is here.

There is also a further analysis of income tax versus consumption tax here. The analysis in my letter only highlights the burden of GST on the lower-income, but the link that I've provided gives further proof that increasing GST is going to hurt the poor because it compares the total taxable income of lower-income households versus higher-income households.

Lastly, a disclaimer. I am no Economics major. I am merely using JC-level econs analysis. I know there are other factors to consider, stuff like price elasticity of demand, that could have effects on how regressive GST really is. Even so, I think my basic point is valid.

"I can't sit in front because then I can't talk. And if I can't talk I'll fall asleep."

This is what someone said to his friend before stepping into one of my classes. If you can't stay awake, buy some coffee, get some gum or just don't come to class. You want to talk in class to stay awake, and then bother the prof about things that have just been explained cos you were too busy talking and weren't listening, get your parents build your own school and hire your own teachers. Otherwise, stay at home and sleep. Don't be a selfish bastard and disrupt others' learning.

I am surrounded by irritating 18-19 year olds, and sometimes school feels like secondary school or JC again. I've lost count of the number of times when profs have had to ask people to keep it down and to stop talking.

There was even once when the prof had to raise her voice and bang on the table in the tutorial and tell the class off because it was too noisy. You know, like when you were in secondary school, and your form teacher would scold to the class about behaving properly during contact time because one of your subject teachers complained. After which there would be this awkward momentary silence. Like that. And then in subsequent classes they laugh about it, because they thought it was funny.

I wonder whether the day will come when the prof starts asking those who talk to put their index fingers on their lips like in primary school. That would be entertaining.

And then when you tell people in class politely to keep quiet because it's distracting, they give you this look like you shouldn't be asking for quiet in class.

I so want to smack them on the head and ask them to wake up their idea. Except that they would not know what the hell I mean.

Stupid kids.

I wish I was a kid again

Sometimes I wish I was a kid again because life was so much easier then, when you could attribute your lack of understanding on the fact that you were too young to know better.

The more you know and understand, the more complicated things become. Because now there are many sides to an issue, and you should be able to distinguish them. Yet, there is no right or wrong. You have to consider the nuances of the situation, the circumstances, and you have to be aware of the consequences of your chosen course of action or inaction. Our actions and feelings are tempered by our knowledge, and the burden of responsibilty that comes with it.

So we make our choices, knowing that we cannot always be fully aware of the consequences, and yet we will have to deal with these as yet undetermined consequences. We feel happy or relieved when we manage to achieve something, or maybe just to get through it. And yet we know that that feeling of satisfaction or relief is only temporary, because there is still more to come. Personal responsibilty behooves us to move on, because we cannot live in the past, because the world is moving on, and it is our responsibility to follow suit.

In knowing more, we also see more clearly just how much we don't know, and yet, it is because we want to find out more about what we don't know, that we try to know more.

I spy with my little eye

In class today "hey-my-good-man" c was seated two rows in front of me, playing on his faculty standard Toshiba Tecra M5 laptop. And guess what he did? He went to WebCT Vista to submit an assignment online.

But wait! He said that it crashes on him! Shouldn't I do the right thing and warn him of the grave consequences of him logging on to WebCT Vista? Before I can stop him, he has already logged in. Damn! My indecision has cost him, and he will now have to face the "blue screen of death"!

But well what do you know? It didn't crash. He could navigate without any problems, and he even managed to submit his assignment. An assignment which, by the way, was given to us in pdf format.

So just as I suspected, all his BS about his computer crashing and not being able to open pdfs was well, BS.

2 years in the army was not for nothing, though truth be told, he was not exaclty trying to be discreet. All the same, don't test my sharp ears eagle eyes.

Next time he asks for an assignment, depending on how I'm feeling, I will either ignore him or ask him to get it himself. And if he pulls that "it always crashes on me" bullshit again, I shall point out to him that his fancy Tecra seemed to work fine in class.

Midterm season

It has just occurred to me that starting next week, I have 7 midterms in 7 weeks. That means one midterm every week save for the first week in November, because I have 2 midterms in the same week 2 weeks from now. The last of my midterms is on November 20. Finals start 2 weeks later, on December 7th. So, I have 10 weeks before finals, and in 6 of those 10 I have midterms to study for. Not forgetting that there are weekly assignments in at least 2 of my courses, and work to boot. This is only the 4th week of school.

I guess maybe I should be thankful because this semester, the last day of classes is 5th December, and finals begin on the 7th. So thoughtful of the school to give us all of 24 hours to prepare for our finals. I am so gonna be working myself into the ground and I will have no life.

All I want is to make it through this semester. I hope I don't burn out before then.

I'm a "good man"

Either you're too lazy to log on to WebCT to get the assignment pdf yourself, or you've been downloading too much porn and it has messed up your computer. Either way, I am not helping you get assignment questions off the web anymore.

Here's what happened:

c says:

hey my good man

Of course I'm your "good man" because you only ever talk to me when you need help.

tim - crazy week ahead says:

heya

c says:

haha could you tell me this week's assignment questions?

tim - crazy week ahead says:

erm

tim - crazy week ahead says:

they're on webct

tim - crazy week ahead says:

i haven't gotten them off the web yet

In other words, GO GET THEM YOURSELF you lazy ass.

c says:

yeah, it keeps crashing on me

c says:

sorry could I ask this as a favour, after this I will leave you alone

Right. Because you don't really know me, and aren't interested in getting to know me anyway. Until the next time you need help. Which would probably be next week. Or when you need some answers/solutions to a problem, whichever is sooner. Then I'll be your "good man" again. I decide to dally a bit, just to make him wait. Anyway, I'm in the middle of homework, and I just want to finish it up first.

tim - crazy week ahead says:

yeah hang on

tim - crazy week ahead says:

i'm getting it now

So I send him the pdf.

c says:

thanks

c says:

wait, I'm not sure if I can open it, could you just tell me

Sending of "A4.pdf" to c has failed.

He cancels the transfer. I am puzzled.

I send you the file with the questions, and now you tell me you can't open it? You want me to send you the question numbers in the book one by one? It's not that it's difficult for me or anything, but hello, obviously you are not telling me something. You say WebCT crashes on you when you try to get the assignment, which I find highly dubious anyway, because if WebCT did really always crash on you, how come you haven't tried to get it fixed yet? And how do you manage to do all your homework and get info about classes?

tim - crazy week ahead says:

13.83

tim - crazy week ahead says:

13.95

tim - crazy week ahead says:

13.97

tim - crazy week ahead says:

13.105

tim - crazy week ahead says:

13.113

tim - crazy week ahead says:

you can't open pdfs?

So I give him the question numbers, and I ask casually why he can't open pdfs. I decide that I don't want this to be a weekly occurrence.

c says:

my friend hasn't downloaded that software

Huh? Your friend doesn't have acrobat reader on his computer? WTF?!? It's free, it usually comes pre-installed, and most courses in McGill have some pdf documents on WebCT anyway. You mean he's using a 486 with Windows 3.11 and cannot support acrobat reader?

And anyway, you told me that WebCT crashes on YOU. I assume that it means your computer. I know you have a laptop, because I've seen you play with it in class. And I know you just got it last year, because it's the faculty standard one. But hell, I guess your friend who doesn't have acrobat reader must have a really lousy computer then. Why the hell are you using it?

I decide to be kaypoh and a general pain in the ass.

tim - crazy week ahead says:

and his browser crashes in webct?

tim - crazy week ahead says:

i thought you said you had a problem with it

Suddenly, a flood of replies.

c says:

not on webct, just opening pdf's

c says:

thanks

c says:

later

And he's offline. He must not want to answer my questions. Which leads me to the conclusions that I drew.

Again, it's not so much that I have to help you. It's that you barely know me, and you only ever talk to me when you need help. That's all that ever happens. Every week. Sorry, but I am not your play thing. Go be a parasite to someone else.

Oh, and stop downloading porn lah.

McGill does it again

More proof of the hypothesis put forward here.

McGill has outdone itself again. Ok, this time it's the Faculty of Engineering. More specifically, the Department of Electrical, Computer and Software Engineering.

Before I go on, just some background info. All of McGill's Engineering programmes are accredited. That means the various provincial engineering boards look through the curriculum, and vet it, and basically say that if you've gone to McGill and gotten an engineering degree, it will be recognised and you can join the engineering board so that you can be recognised as a professional engineer.

I found out today from a friend who attended an Engineering Undergraduate Society council meeting as a rep that all of McGill's Software Engineering graduates from last spring until now have degrees that have not been accredited because McGill did not submit the necessary paperwork by the stipulated deadline. So that means that these graduates technically aren't engineers. They can't join the engineering boards, and they can't work as engineers. The paperwork has been submitted, but the school doesn't know when the accreditation will be given, and this could potentially affect Software Engineers who are graduating this Fall.

If you thought that was bad, McGill has not made an official announcement notifying these students of the situation. I've been told that the rationale behind the decision is that because the paperwork has been submitted, they are confident the programme will be accredited eventually. Because there has not been a statement by the school, I don't know if this is true. Whatever the case, these students have spent 3-4 years of their lives paying money to McGill, and have a piece of paper which is basically worthless and they are being kept in the dark about it. In response, the EUS is now trying to inform students by word of mouth.

I can't help but see the irony that in order to have an approved engineering programme, all engineering students have to take a course in engineering ethics, and yet, the school or department responsible for this whole thing doesn't even have the decency to let people know that they screwed up.

And it's not like it's a minor problem - these graduates are losing out on job opportunities because Software Engineering is a relatively new degree (it's about 3-4 years old, and some of my friends suspect that they may have been the first class of Software Engineers to graduate from McGill, though we don't know for sure), and there are few people with such a qualification around right now. The fact that it is relatively new might also be a factor in explaining why the situation has arisen, but again, this is just me speculating.

Whatever it is, I think the hypothesis has been sufficiently proven.

McGill Admin is f$%king messed up.

"Friends"

Don't think I don't notice how you only ever bother to know me when you need help. Suddenly you are all buddy-buddy with me just because you can't solve your assignment. You hardly ever talk to me, or even acknowledge me when we see each other, and now you are willing to even offer me "help" leh. Too bad for you I have ample experience dealing with all sorts of people during NS, your type included.

I don't want or need you to be my "friend". So bugger off, and find someone else to leech off.

Back to school again

It's about 3 weeks into the semester, and the work is starting to come in. Settling in again was pretty easy, and classes seem pretty interesting, but challenging at the same time. I'm sort of glad that work already seems to occupy a good part of my time, and now that I've managed to get a job as well, the year ahead will probably go by fast.

It feels good to be back in school again actually, and I'm excited by what I'm going to be learning. However, the majority of the electrical engineering students seem to be really inconsiderate assholes. There have been people not only refuse to turn off their phones in class, but also answer them, without even bothering to be discreet about it.

Yes, I know that hands-free is really neat, and that your phone is really new and you think it's so cool, but don't answer it in class. Oh, and just in case you don't know, your uber cool phone doesn't impress me, because honestly, I've seen uber cool phones like the Samsung Ultra series. I know your friend tells you your new Nokia is so slim and what not, but it's a brick compared to what's available where I from. So stop flaunting it at me and leave it in your pocket.

There was also this class that I sat through, where the prof was going through some stuff slowly. It wasn't difficult to understand, and it was only semi-new, but more than half the class did not have the courtesy to keep quiet, even after he sublty hinted that he was "not used to this low rumbling background noise". And, because they talk so much, they miss what he is saying, and ask him about it 5 seconds after he explains something. I totally understand if you've been paying attention, and don't get it. But if you didn't want to listen, and then realised that you missed out on something, don't slow down the whole class because you weren't listening in the first place.

And this one takes the cake. Really. There were 3 guys in front of me during the above-mentioned class. They weren't paying attention, and one of them was messing around with their calculators. It must really have been an achievement for one of them to spell "5EX" it because they were passing it around and finding it really amusing. I had to prevent myself from bursting out into a "wah piang eh", and I was half tempted to ask them to go and get laid already, but then I realised that no, if you were spelling "5EX" on your calculator when you were 19 and finding it really fun, then not being able to get laid would explain your fascination at being able to spell it on your calculator.

So I realise that I'm surrounded by people with the maturity of 6 year olds for the next 3 years. I guess the best I'm going to be able to do is to avoid these people, but there are so many of them, I'm probably not going to have many friends in my faculty.

Good thing work is gonna keep me busy.

Lost for words

Before I say anything else, I have to admit that I DO NOT KNOW IF THIS IS TRUE.

There have been blog posts here and here about what is happening in Catholic High School.

Again, I reiterate that I do not know the truth and veracity of the assertions.

If they are true, then I am really sad that this has happened to my alma mater. For those of you who know me, I really enjoyed myself there. For those of you who know me even better, I did not enjoy it there initially. Now I look back on my time in that school with great fondness, and I sometimes wish I could do it all over again.

It's not an elite school like Raffles Institution, or Chinese High. Members of Parliament don't send their sons there. St Nick's girls don't like us (or do they? =p Don't worry if you don't get it).

While I was there, though I did not fully appreciate it at the time, it was a genuinely good school. Our teachers were dedicated and hardworking. They were also friendly and helpful, and had a great rapport with the students. I can't state that as a fact for the other batches, but I do know for us who took our "O" Levels in 2000, this was the case.

I cannot say that as students, we were hardworking and dedicated. Heheh. But I think when the time came for us to work, we did. We were all good friends too, and people were generally really friendly. It is not uncommon for me to recognise a familiar face on the streets and just wave "Hi" to someone whom I know was also in Catholic High at the time. I still keep in contact with my group of friends from there. And I still play soccer with the same bunch of people. We've been playing soccer together since 1997. That's almost 10 years already.

Heck, when I go back to the school with my friends, even the canteen operators can recognise us as former students.

Things have changed since I've graduated. Teachers have moved on, a new principal took over. When I visit the teachers who were still there, I had heard that some of them were unhappy. But if the allegations are true, I imagined they were this bad. Of the 9 teachers listed who were transferred, I can attest that at least 5 of them are really good teachers who we respected. Some of them have been at the school for a really long time, and it would be a great loss for the school so see them go.

I struggle to put into words the sadness and nostalgia that I now feel. I am somewhat lost for words. I find myself wanting to go back home, just so I can pop by and maybe just talk to the teachers who are still there how things are for them. After all, they've always asked about us when we visit.

And I realise that I'm blogging about this in my PE T-shirt.

And then I was gone

It is in how hard it is that I realise how much it means to me.

What higher standards?

"It is not the role of journalists or newspapers in Singapore to champion issues, or campaign against the Government."

If you remember the mrbrown incident, this is what a certain press secretary said. Assuming we accept that, is it not logical then the journalists and newspapers should then just stick to reporting the news?

Well, The Straits Times doesn't really seem to be adhering to the "higher standards" a serious newspaper should meet. Read here. Now you know why I only flip through the sports section in such a "serious newspaper".

I am Singaporean

I don't consider myself a patriotic Singaporean. But when I am overseas, it is important to me that I am recognised as one. I let everyone know that I'm from Singapore.

People in Canada say I look like I'm from China, or Japan, or Korea, or Vietnam, or the Phillippines, but I'm not.

I’m from Singapore.

When I speak in my Singlish accent, none of my Canadian friends can understand what I say. I pepper my speech with expressions like lahs, lehs, and lors. I know they don't mean the same thing, but I struggle to explain when you use which.

I don't steal or pilfer. I stun or kope. I don't pretend. I bedek and wayang. I don't watch over things, I jagar them. Things aren't expensive, they're just damn ex. There are numerous other expressions, some of which do not have English equivalents.

Even when I speak in my modulated tone so I can be understood, I have to consciously try to cut down on my use of abbreviations.

I can swear in abbreviations. LJ does not only stand for LiveJournal. CB, NB and KNN are not pleasant things to say. But I sometimes mutter them under my breath anyway.

National service showcases how you can be creative in with such expressions. I've heard a two minute stream of hokkien vulgarities before. It is also customary to ask someone if he understands when you are spewing vulgarities at him. For example, "Fuck you lah, understand or not?".

I know how wrong a service called "GBuy" can sound.

I'm used to having lunch for $5 or less. Roti prata is not just for breakfast, it can be for supper too. 1 kosong costs 60 cents.

There is a different type of chilli for every dish. Even french fries are meant to be eaten with chilli sauce. Thai hot sauce does NOT work for everything.

I don't drink tea. I drink teh. Teh-O, teh-O-ping, teh si, teh ping or just plain teh. I also like milo dinosaurs.

I know that when there is a packet of tissue on the table, it's been "choped".

I also know that despite their "A" ratings for hygine, hawker food is not very hygenic. But I eat it anyway, because it's so darned good.

I complain about low pay, rising costs and the gahmen, and about how shitty it can be to live here. I contemplate emigrating, but this is home.

I was born here, in Singapore.

I am Singaporean.

A question

Yes, I know the mr brown saga is old news, but I just read this post of my friend's and after commenting, I'm kind of fired up. I will keep it short though, and I did make the following point in my comments - I just want it on my blog too.

In her reply to the mr brown column, Ms K Bhavani says of his column: "His piece is calculated to encourage cynicism and despondency". But just think for a minute. As a Singaporean, what causes you to feel more cynical and despondent? Reading mr brown's column, or Ms K Bhavani's reply and the subsequent suspension of his Today column?

So Ms Bhavani, who is the one encouraging cynicism and despondency?

A tribute

On July 22, Dennis Bergkamp will grace the pitch at Emirates stadium wearing the Arsenal shirt for the last time. After 11 years and over 100 goals for Arsenal, he is retiring.

He was, and will always be, the player that I liked to watch the most. I remember eagerly awaiting Saturday nights for live telecasts of Arsenal games. I remember that adrenaline and sense of expectation every time he stepped onto the pitch. And I remember the great goals he scored. Like his hat-trick against Leceister in 1997. Or like the one against Argentina during France'98, in the 89th minute of the semi-final, with the score at 1-1. And who could forget the one against Newcastle in 2002, where commentators were so amazed they wondered whether it was even intentional. The three goals he scored for his hat-trick in 1997 were ranked the top 3 goals of the month by BBC Match of the Day, a feat that has never been repeated.

But scoring goals was not the only aspect of Bergkamp's play. He had a deft touch, immaculate control and visionary passing. There have been numerous times when teammates like Marc Overmars, Patrick Kluivert, Nicolas Anelka, Fredrik Ljungberg and Thierry Henry have all benefitted from a defence splitting pass from Bergkamp. He made it all look so simple, and he conjured it up on such a regular basis that you were in danger of forgetting how much skill he possesed. There are numerous compilations of his many great goals. This is but one of them.

Although he featured mostly as a substitute in the later stages of his career at Arsenal, watching them will not be the same now that he's retired. It's been said that there are many great scorers of goals, but Bergkamp was a scorer of great goals. Some consider him the best foreign player ever to play in the English Premier League, and Thierry Henry has said that Bergkamp was the best strike partner he ever had.

Quiet and unassumming, it was easy to underestimate how skilled he truly was. So here's to the Non-Flying Dutchman, an Arsenal great - Dennis Bergkamp.

Consolidation

Remember that job interview all those months ago? Well, I had to fill up another survey from that same company again in Orchard MRT while waiting for a friend, and guess what? Two days later, and another phone call from them. Except this time I declined. I know it's the same company because I recognised the collar pin that the guy who asked me to fill out the survey was wearing.

Some things just don't change. Like the numerous people from "charities" that ask you for money at Orchard MRT. Nowadays, I just flat out say "no". I'll have to admit it was kind of funny seeing how the guy's jaw dropped because he obviously was not expecting me to be so direct. Hey, but that's what you get when people from your organisation try to make me donate more than I agree to, by putting down my name for $5 before I even say how much I'm willing to give. And yes, I know that you are "only here for a day", but I heard that line 10 months ago too.

Anyway, I realise I have not had the opportunity to consolidate my first year in Montreal, and a few days of meeting up with friends and doing the things I used to do have given me some perspective.

First of all, I realise now that it is probably time for me to move on from some aspects of the life which I left behind. A glimpse of the past served as a timely reminder. There were things that I'd hoped to accomplish, but I realise that it's not possible anymore, and that the situation has changed too. I am neither motivated nor enthusiastic.

There are also things that I still enjoy immensely. Like playing soccer for 2 and a half hours straight. Yes, I ached so bad that even walking around hurt for 2 days after, but boy was it fun. The feeling of being so carefree and in your element, the adrenaline, the banter between friends, the sheer simplicity of it all - after all these years, the charm has not faded. On the pitch, we are children once again, and the glint, the hint of mischief and glee, is evident in everyone's eyes.

Meeting up with friends whom I've not seen for months, I realise that I have grown up. Sometimes I am told that I sound more mature, at other times I notice that we've talked about similar things before, but now my responses have changed.

In Montreal, Darren, Karen, Ken, Suling and of course, Char, have been the source of much fun and laughter. Special mention goes out to Darren, who was an immense help during the last week in Montreal. The six of us grew so close we were practically family - idiosyncrasies, individual -isms, flatulence and belches all included. My stay in Montreal has allowed me to develop in ways that would not have been possible back home, and I cherish the memories that I have.

It is time to move on, and it is here that I notice the greatest change in myself. I recognise that I have to leave my friends and the good times behind much more easily now. It is still difficult, but I accept that we can't live in the past forever, and I no longer agonise over the inevitable. I probably will not find a similar group of friends next year, just like I have not found a similar group of friends to the ones that I have in Singapore, but I'm sure that next year, I'll develop another set of friendships that will carry me through. The friends that I've been lucky enough to find have been unique, and I am glad they cannot be replicated. If all friendships could be the same, then there would be no special value attached to each of them.

It has been a great year, and the memories will remain with me forever. I know that it will be different next year, but I look forward to making it unique in its own right.

I'm back

I'm back in Singapore, and will be around till the 30th of August. Call me at my old mobile phone number, e-mail me, or msn me to arrange for a meet-up. I'm almost done with the unpacking, most of my stuff is out of the bags, and I just need to finish up. The flight home was long, and the 11-hour journey from Chicago to Tokyo was made worse by the other passengers sitting beside me.

I was assigned the middle seat of the 3 beside the window on the left side of the plane. I remember telling the agent that I'd like a window seat, but I guess the plane must have been full. Anyway, it was too late, and I took my seat beside the guy sitting on the inside. I silently hope that the seat on my right will remail empty so that I can take it, and give myself some breathing space. That hope disaapears when a plump middle aged man in an orange t-shirt takes the seat beside me. It dawns on me that it is going to be a long and uncomfortable trip when the y on my left gets up to go to the washroom before the plane takes off. The guy on my right also lets out a big yawn, and I am left cursing my luck. His breath smells of cigarettes, and to add to that, it smells REALLY bad. The heavy - morning breath - kind of bad. Except worse. So throughout the flight, I have to keep getting up to let the guy on the inside go to the washroom, and I have to contend with Mr Dragon Breath on my right, who loves to yawn, and being a smoker, coughs a lot. He also drinks alcohol at every meal, adding to the foulness of his breath. I am half tempted to go the the washroom and get him a toothbrush, but I restrain myself.

I arrive in Tokyo with my olfactory system barely functioning, and proceeed to the gate, where I have a 4 hour wait ahead of me. I listen to the Rent soundtrack again, and realise that most of the songs are growing on me. I feel like watching it all over again. There is a delayed telecast of the Italy - Germany semi-final, so the wait is not too long. The flight from Tokyo to Singapore is thankfully, pretty empty, and I get the whole row of window seats to myself, for which I am very thankful after my 11-hour ordeal.

Anyway, I arrive in Singapore without incident, and meet my parents at the gate and we go home. I can't sleep, so I stay up to watch the France - Portugal semi, which was so boring I fell asleep at the end.

Anyway, now that I'm back, and I have a regular internet connection, posts should become more frequent. I know I said that last time, but that was before my girlfirend's roommate decided to cancel her internet without telling her. Meanwhile, I was too cheap to pay for 2 months of internet that I won't be using for July and August, so I did without much internet since May.

And just before I end, pictures of my apartment are up on my flickr page. They've been organised into a set, and I had to delete the one of my trips to Niagara Falls and Quebec City in September and December respectively. The photos are still there, but since I can only have 3 sets, what I will do is start tagging all my photos, so they can be easliy searched. The photos for my summer trips to Niagara Falls, New York and a 1-day camping trip to Mont Tremblant are not up yet - I have to edit and upload them first.

I'm coming back

Just to let everyone know, I'll be coming back to Singapore on the 6th of July, and leaving for Montreal on the 30th of August. I'll be home for about 8 weeks, and I'll give everyone a call and/or e-mail when I get back.

And check out this ad for the NUS Business School. It's so absurd it's hilarious.

The Da Vinci Code

I sometimes go to church at the Newman Centre at McGill University, and I'm on their mailing list just so that I know when mass times are every weekend. Someone on that mailing list decided to send the following e-mail to all of us a while back:

Dear Friends,

I'm sending along a copy of an email I just sent to Bishop Mancini here in Montreal, re: DVC. I've included some of you tentatively, as I'm not sure what you're reaction will be, but I feel not only is a response warranted, but that we must take great care with it. We should not become anxious or uncharitible, but nor should we, for a number of reasons, remain indifferent. First of all, if we love Jesus, it should hurt and anger us to see Him misrepresented. Secondly, and I know this is unbelievable, but a lot of people WILL believe that this movie is telling the truth. For their sake, we cannot simply ignore this and allow people to be led into error. Thirdly, people cannot use art (and/or freedom of the press, as we've seen in recent days) as an excuse to smear or misrepresent religion - ANY religion.

I think the strategy suggested below is a great one - it's not my idea, but Barbara Nicolosi's. Check out her blog at http://churchofthemasses.blogspot.com.

Blessings,

(name deleted)

Dear Bishop Anthony,

Hello! (name deleted) here, one of the "gang" from the Newman Monday night gatherings. This is slightly last minute, but I was wondering if you would be willing to ask the parishes in the diocese of Montreal, and also our Protestant brothers and sisters, to make the following suggestion in their bulletins, announcements, etc.

As you're probably aware, The Da Vinci Code movie is coming out on May 19th. There have been several conflicting responses from the Christian community as to how we should respond. Some are saying we must see the movie in order to be able to "dialogue" or even to evangelize. Some are saying the movie should be boycotted.

Each of these responses has its respective problems. Dialogue does not seem to be what those pushing the movie are after, and even if it is so, it should certainly not happen on their terms alone. There is also the danger of some of the faithful being led into error by the half truths that are presented. As for boycotting the film, this will only help the film by increasing visibility and publicity, thus driving up the box office revenue. And the only "votes" that count in Hollywood are those cast at the box office. If we stay home, we don't get counted.

A solution being proposed by Barbara Nicolosi, a faithful Catholic film critic, screenwriting professor and the founding Director of Act One, Inc, a non-profit training and formation program for Hollywood writers and executives is following: othercotting. We should all go to the movies on the opening weekend of DVC. But we should all see another movie; her suggestion being the new Dreamworks film, Over the Hedge. (You can see a full commentary from her on this topic online at http://www.christianitytoday.com/channels/movies/commen
taries/othercott.html. She also has a wonderful blog online called http://churchofthemasses.blogspot.com/ where she writes often about faith and culture, particularly the film industry.)

This is, I think, a wonderful idea. We will not come across as angry or close minded. We will not be wasting energy on a media who does not want to listen to what we're really saying. Best of all, we will not be supporting lies about our Lord with money or our presence, but rather telling Hollywood in the only language they listen to/understand (cash), the types of movies we do want to see. We also have a responsibility as Christians to contribute to the redemption of art and culture and those who create it.

I will be organizing a group of people (I will likely be making the arrangements on May 17th to try to get a group rate) to go that weekend to the AMC, the time is yet to be determined, as they don't have the schedule posted yet. If anyone is interested in coming, please feel free to give them my email: and I'd be happy to have them join us. I would also encourage other parish groups to do the same. They can call the AMC at 904-1274 and speak to Natalie re: group rates.

Blessings in Him,

(name deleted)

I completely disagree with the e-mail, and what was said on the Christianity Today site. I'm Catholic, I've read the book, and I've watched the movie. I cannot comprehend what drives people to take a work of fiction so seriously. I don't have the book with me right now, but I remember that right at the beginning, Dan Brown actually lists the facts which he uses in writing the book. If I recall correctly, and I'm sure I have most of it down, the facts are that the Priory of Sion existed, and some famous people like Leonardo Da Vinci and Sir Isacc Newton were members, and the Opus Dei is a real Catholic organisation. I'm don't know the Priory part, but I do know for a fact that Opus Dei does exist.

So I don't understand people who claim that the book "wears its heresy and blasphemy as a badge of honor" as claimed in the above-mentioned website. Erm... Ok, except that it is a work of FICTION. You know, the stuff of one's imagination. It doesn't claim to give a historically accurate account of things, and asking for disclaimers at the beginning of the film is just plain ridiculous. If you go to the movies and expect to watch a movie that depicts reality accurately, then you're on the wrong planet.

This whole "othercotting" business is also, in my opinion, crap. If you believe the movie to be sacrilegious, and don't want to watch it, then don't. Don't a) come up with some stupid idea of watching another movie instead in hopes of making a statement, and don't b) e-mail everyone on the mailing list seeking support for your dim-witted idea.

Quoting parts of the webpage that deal with this whole idea of an "alternative boycott":

"Some are suggesting a protest. But the problem with this option is that it doesn't work. Any publicity is good publicity. Protests not only fuel the box office, they make all Christians look like idiots."

Of course they make you look like idiots. How can you expect NOT to look like one when you obviously CAN'T DIFFERENTIATE REALITY FROM FICTION.

"Some suggest that we simply ignore the movie. But the problem with this option is that the box office is a ballot box. The only people whose votes are counted are those who buy tickets; if you stay home, you have thrown your vote away, and you do nothing to shape the Hollywood decision-making process regarding what movies will make it to the big screen."

Erm.. Ok, extrapolating from this one movie and saying that movie studios will now make more movies partially based on facts regarding religions just on the basis of the success of The Da Vinci Code is quite a stretch, but even if I accept that, how on earth does watching another movie change anything?

The box office is NOT a ballot box. It isn't a one man - one vote system, and Hollywood is not a democracy. People are free to watch as many movies as they want, as many times as they want. What was it that she said about looking like an idiot again?

And now, addressing points in the e-mail itself:

"First of all, if we love Jesus, it should hurt and anger us to see Him misrepresented."

Except that the book makes no such claim. And if you think about it, parts of the Bible, when taken out of context, can also be said to "misrepresent" God. Look at the Old Testament, and notice that God is portrayed as vengeful and vindictive, and that his people prayed to him to vanquish their enemies, and contrast that to the New Testament, which contains the story of how Jesus Christ was sent to Earth to save God's people - God is portrayed as loving and forgiving.

"Secondly, and I know this is unbelievable, but a lot of people WILL believe that this movie is telling the truth. For their sake, we cannot simply ignore this and allow people to be led into error."

I doubt that a lot of people will take this to be the truth, and secondly, "othercotting" the movie and refusing to discuss it with people IS ignoring it. If you are really so concerned about people being led into error and taking the movie/book as fact, how does watching another movie address that?

"Thirdly, people cannot use art (and/or freedom of the press, as we've seen in recent days) as an excuse to smear or misrepresent religion - ANY religion."

Ok, but as I said above, it makes no claims on accurate representation.

And I hardly see how "othercotting" the show actually addresses the problems that she identifies with dialogue and/or with boycotting the film.

Anyway, I've watched the movie, and it's disappointing. Some parts relating to Da Vinci's paintings and all have been left out, which makes it feel like the plot is somewhat incomplete, and the on-screen chemistry between Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou is terrible. The book is way more engrossing. That being said, if you've read the book, you know that it is pretty visual, and the movie does a decent job of depciting the places that the book is set in. Other than that, the movie is largely forgettable. In fact, even though I read the book over a year ago, I remember it better than the movie, which I watched ust last week.

Updates

It’s been a month, and this post is long overdue. Exams are over, results are in, and summer school has started. So much has happened, but I’ve been so caught up in work for exams, and so tired after, that I just did not feel like blogging.

So, right where I left off then, the rest of my exams went by without incident, and I managed to pull through ok. I was told that in the Electrical Engineering programme in McGill you get to go through all the toughest courses on offer at McGill. The first proof of that was my introductory course to Java. Even after curving, the class average was a C+, and 25% of the class failed. Yes, that’s right. A quarter of the students got less than 50% overall. And for us engineering students, a pass isn’t sufficient – you need at least 55% or higher. I just can’t wait for what lies ahead.

But that’s over with, and I had 10 days before summer school started, so I spent most of my time packing up my room, and looking for a new apartment for next year. In all, I looked at almost 10 places, and I’ve managed to find one that I’m really happy with. I’ve decided to live alone because I’ve had enough of the community-living business, and also because I’ve never really had a room of my own, except for the 6 months after I completed NS. The lease begins in June, after summer school, and I’ll have to furnish the place on my own, which sounds like fun.

Right now, summer school takes up the first half of the day, four days a week. It’s effectively condensing 4 months of work into 4 weeks, but since I have only one course, it seems manageable so far. Midterms are next week, and finals are at the end of the month.

Back home, Singapore recently held it General Elections, and for the first time, overseas voting was allowed. There were a grand total of 8 overseas polling stations in 6 countries worldwide, and overseas votes were only counted AFTER election results were announced. While I understand that because of the number of votes and the margin of victory for the PAP, overseas votes wouldn’t affect the outcome of the elections, I believe that only including them in the total vote tally after the elections serves only to undermine their value. It’s more about the principle behind it than anything.

There’s been lots of election commentary available online, and I do believe that these elections have only served to highlight how slanted the ST’s coverage of local politics can be. An insider’s view is available here. Cherian George has some really good stuff on his blog, and so does Yawning Bread, Mr Wang and SG Rally, to name but a few. The elections seemed pretty exciting this time round, and I wish I was back in Singapore, just so that I could attend some rallies even though my GRC was not contested.

Meanwhile, there is quite a significant challenge in Canada regarding the independence and impartiality of our judicial system which could have significant ramifications. The issue is well covered at by Yawning Bread here, and by Mr Wang here. There is also an article in the IHT which I feel is pretty balanced here.

I have yet to get my ticket back home, which I should be doing in the next week. Looking forward to all the food when I get back, and to meeting up with my friends and seeing my family again. I guess I’ll end here, because I don’t really have much else to say, but I should be blogging more often now that I have the time.

Getting it off my chest

It's smack in the middle of exams, and I have a programming final that I'm not prepared for tomorrow, but I just have to blog now. I am pissed with McGill Admin. Very very pissed. Allow me to explain.

I had my first final today, it was for Calculus, and it was held in the McConnell Engineering Building. The way it works is that you're told what building your final is held, and you go there on the day itself to find out where exactly the room your exam is. Rooms are allocated by surname, because some rooms are not big enough to fit all the students. So I go to school half an hour early to find out that the administration has brilliantly only allocated rooms for people with surnames up to the letters "Lud". So those of us whose surnames come after those letters all go to the biggest venue, and ask the invigilator there where we are supposed to go. And she has no clue.

Nevermind that, she asks us to wait, and she'll let us in, IF she has space. So there's half the course waiting outside your exam room, 15 minutes before the exam, and you've been told that we have ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE to go to take the exam, and all you do is ask us to wait.

Why can't you do the proactive thing and help us find out where we're supposed to go? You are an invigilator after all. And to add to that, you have this brilliant idea of asking the students, who are waiting to take the exam, to go to FDA 6, and speak to the people there to find out where we are supposed to go. You tell us this at 1:55pm, after we have been standing there for 10 minutes. Couldn't you have told us earlier? To add to that, there are 2-3 invigilators in your room, doing absolutely nothing, seeing how the exams have already been placed on the tables, and you can't even show us where this fucking room is? Don't you think, that as the people sitting for an exam, the least you could do for us is to speak to whoever organised the damn thing? No, instead we have to fix something that the admin messed up on, 5 minutes before our exam.

Maybe I'm being hard on the invigilators, but, they weren't doing anything, the exam hadn't started, and there were 3 of them in the room. Surely, at least one could have gone to FDA 6 to report the situation. Or at least show one of us where the bloody room was. And, we came 15 minutes before to let you know, and you had to wait till 5 minutes before the damn thing to tell us to go to FDA 6.

Going further up chain, I fail to see how the admin failed to realise that yes, people's surnames DO begin with letters after L. Let's do our ABC's shall we? M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z. That's 14 letters, MORE THAN HALF the alphabet. How could you not notice? And if you did have the list of students and the course enrollment, wouldn't you have realised that there was a shortfall in the number of spaces allocated?

I had to keep all that in me for 3 hours as I took my exam, so it feels good to get it all out.

Alright, back to studying now.

Exams

I am royally screwed. Exams end in two weeks (no, not begin. Exams begin a week from now), and I haven't even started studying yet. And I still have assignments due. Shit. Am also feeling almost burnt out, because since reading week (3rd week of Feb), I have not had a single weekend where I could completely unwind. My profs like to have assignment deadlines on Fridays, Sundays and Mondays, and they like to release new assignments the moment old ones are due i.e programming - assignment due Monday at 11:55pm, new assignment up Tuesday 0:00am. Yay! My thoughtful profs gave me a whole 5 minutes of rest.

Since the fourth week of Feb, I've had to write 2 papers, complete 6 physics assignments and 3 lab reports, 3 programming assignments, 3 calculus assignments, take 2 midterms, write 1 in-class essay, give an oral presentation and come up with a business proposal. On top of reading for political science, which of course I did not do because I had no time. All this on top of going to class. In 6 weeks. I didn't even realise it was that much until I wrote it all down just now.

What the hell is wrong with McGill Admin anyway? Why can't we have just 1 week between the end of classes and the start of exams? Who in their right minds has classes up till the day before exams start? No time to think about all that right now. Time to haul ass, get my assignments done, and start studying, before I collapse from exhaustion on the 20th, only to send myself back to the grind on May 1.

And I remember being told JC would be the toughest time of my academic life. No way in hell does it compare to this.

Hard work

We've always been told hard work comes before success, that it is necessary for us to work hard so that we can harvest the fruits of our labour. But hard work does not guarantee success, and working hard and not having anything to show for it becomes tiring, and seems pointless. Yet despite this, we risk failure because of the potential rewards of working hard. So what happens when we don't get to reap the fruits of our labour?

Technically speaking, my Java midterm wasn't the first time I've failed something. But as far as I can remember, this is most probably the first time that I've actually put work into an exam and failed it. The year and a half in JC when I failed practically every single test I took doesn't count - I barely studied for those common tests, and when I did bother to knuckle down and get to work, the results soon followed.

So there is disappointment, but more than that, there is a little of bit of concern because I actually did put in work for this exam. Sure, the average was 56%, but that's scant consolation, because that's like saying "Well, everyone is mediocre too, so don't worry if you didn't do too well". Yeah, well, sure. If everyone did badly, I did badly too, and in fact, I did worse than the average, so how is that supposed to make me feel better? Not only am I bad just like everyone else, I'm even worse. So please, don't feed me that crap. Class averages are not an excuse for failing. And even if they are, the average is not a failing one.

But as I said before, what concerns me more than anything is that I studied for the stupid thing, and I actually came out of it thinking it wasn't too bad. Until they released the solutions the next day. I looked through them once, and went "Oh fuck." So I'm kind of at a loss as to what to do. There is work to be done, and the only way to get better at programming is to program more. Except I don't have the time - I have other courses to take care of too, not to mention the assignments for this course which take ages to complete anyway. And this course is a pre-req for my degree, so I can't afford to screw it up.

I do recognise that there is still time, and that it's not the final grade and all, but I don't know if I'll be able to find the time to play catch-up in a course that I've consistently tried to keep up in. Which was the whole point of being consistent in the first place - so I didn't have to play catch-up again. Now that that's not working, I have a problem.

Hopefully, I can come up with a solution.

Hopefully.

I think I grapple more with why it means so much to me now, when it didn't in the past. Why I feel the way I do, when deep down, I think I still don't really see what the point of it all is, when there is a feeling that I probably could get by with less. Why I have more trouble dealing with my own expectations than the expectations others have of me.

Does it really matter?

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Why I continuosly choose to set expectations for myself, and then come out disappointed, and feeling really stupid. Feeling that all that work has been a waste. It would be so much easier to go back to when I really didn't care. But that was when things didn't really matter.

In the bigger scheme of things, they probably don't matter as much as I think they do. But that's how it always is isn't it? When you look back at what mattered to you in the past, more often than not, you still get by even if you didn't succeed at what mattered to you way back when. So maybe all I have to do is scale down my expectations, and avoid all of this - the feeling lousy, and stupid, and the questioning of what I'm doing, whether I really want to do it, and whether I'm actually even cut out for this. The distinct and unshakeable feeling that it's probably just beyond my reach; that 2 years of neglect is just too much to overcome. The gut feel that maybe I'm just looking for excuses when there are none.

If I've always believed, and still believe that my grades everything, then why do they matter so much? Maybe they matter more to me than I'd like to admit. Maybe the belief that grades define a person is more ingrained in me than I thought. And yet I don't judge people by the grades, and I never have. I guess the standards I set for myself are just different.

Maybe it is time to re-evaluate those standards.

Revisiting some lessons learnt

Sometimes we forget the lessons we have learnt, even if we leant them under some of the most difficult circumstances we have encountered. The principles and insight we have gained from our experiences can be so easily forgotten if we forget to remind ourselves of them.

When I was serving in the Army, I saw first hand how quickly situations could change. A minor detail could be the sole determinant of success or failure. Because there were many minor details in addition to the large ones, you could never cover all your bases. You planned for days in advance, meticulously formulating possible scenarios and responses, but you always knew, somewhere down the line, despite all the planning, something would screw up somehow. So you told yourself you were as prepared as you could be, but you also knew that on the simulated (after all, the SAF is all about wayang is it not?) battleground, you would have to improvise and react to unexpected situations.

Occasionally, pleasant surprises would come your way, and the objectives would be more easily accomplished than you expected. More often than not however, things would not go according to plan. And it was in situations like these that I saw how even the greatest of obstacles could be overcome. The way you and your section, platoon or company responded to the situation at hand largely determined success or failure. At the end of the day, the one thing that determined whether objectives were met was not how many situations you had anticipated. It was not how much and how well you planned. It wasn’t whether or not you had trained well. It was not whether or not everyone did what they were supposed to do. These things all contributed to overall success or failure, but they were not the crucial factor on which success or failure hinged upon.

That crucial factor was how you, your section, your platoon, your company and your commanders reacted to adverse situations. When the shit hits the fan, all your planning and preparation goes out the window. You either lose it completely because you no longer have a viable plan of attack, or you regroup and reconsider your options. Needless to say, losing it completely was a sure way to fail your mission. So a large part of our training was focused on working under pressure, when things seemed to go wrong at every turn. You had to believe that the obstacles could always be overcome, that even when things kept going wrong, you had to soldier on. Because somewhere down the line, something would give, and you would get the lucky break that you needed.

Just as situations could turn for the worse on minor details, they could quickly start to look up again. It was important that when you had those breaks, you were in a position to leverage on them, because failure could very quickly turn to success. To be able to take advantage of minor shifts in the situation, you had to stay positive. This was difficult to do alone, and so it was up to everyone to help each other. But there can be no basis for collective belief if there is none at the level of individuals – you could only be encouraged if you had wanted to be encouraged. So it was up to each individual soldier to believe that the odds could be overcome, no matter how difficult the circumstances. This was how victory could be snatched from the jaws of defeat.

Sometimes, in life, you are put in a similar position. You come face to face with obstacles so daunting you question whether or not you really are up to the challenge. Faced with these kinds of situations, you have 2 responses, very similar to the ones I mentioned above. You let your fatigue get to you, and you ask yourself whether or not it makes more sense to shirk the challenge – after all, it would definitely be easier to just avoid it. What is the point of continuing if you probably will not succeed? When at every turn, you have to dig so deep just to survive, you question your ability to stay the course, and consider changing tack.

Or you regroup and reconsider your options. You remember that you had to overcome obstacles to get to where you already are, and you remind yourself that to turn back now would be to waste all the effort that you’ve put in so far. So you carry on, because you know, somewhere down the road, that little shift in momentum will come, and if you manage to seize it, things will quickly look up.

I got so lost in the intensity of school the past 2 weeks; I completely lost sight of my bearings. Incessant deadlines for assignments, papers, research and projects coupled with the weight of my own expectations caused me to question my abilities, my motivation, my belief and my expectations. I temporarily forgot the lessons that I had learnt, which I thought I would not forget. I lost sight of my own principles and beliefs, and I forgot what I myself had told others countless times. I have humbly been reminded of them, thanks to the care and concern of those around me. So now I am doing my part – revisiting the lessons that I’ve learnt from my past experiences, and reminding myself not to forget them.

Questions

It has been 10 days since the last post. I wanted to blog about the elections in Canada. I wanted talk about the upcoming elections in Singapore, the indifference, and overseas voting. I have wanted to blog in a long time. And I have a lot to say. But inevitably, school, and the work associated with it always gets to me. I spent 7 hours on an essay about liberalism last weekend, and this weekend, I spent half a day programming, and another day working on my physics assignments. And those damn assignments are still not completed.

When you have spend a disproportionate amount of time on assignments every weekend, it's hard not to question whether you really shoule be doing this, and whether or not 2 and a half years on inactivity is just too much for your brain to shake off. I told myself I needed time, that the neurons would start firing again. After 5 months, I'm not so sure anymore. When you spend over half a day trying to figure out 5 or 6 problems, you begin to wonder whether you really are cut out for this, and whether you really want to do this after all. Geeky as it sounds, I actually would like some time to myself just so that I can spend time reviewing my work, and I simply can't find the time for even that.

Maybe university life is supposed to be like that, maybe I'm expecting too much of myself. But I see people around me squeezing out enough time out of their busy schedules. And isn't lowering your expectations a sort of escapism? It's so ironic how I used to worry so much less about my work when I didn't bother with it. I used to be able to pick things up quickly, and come to grips with what was required of me. Not anymore. Maybe not yet, maybe I do indeed still need time to shake off the years of unuse. But maybe not ever is also a possibility.

It's still only the first year, and I might still be adjusting, but the knowledge that next year is supposed to be the hardest in my 4 year program is not at all encouraging. I know my posts recently have been really whiny/angsty. I don't want to feel like this, but for 2 weekends in a row now, I revisit the whole "do I REALLY REALLY want this?" and "am I actually cut out for this?" phase.

The self-confidence that I used to have is shaken, and seems to be disappearing. It might not look like it from the outside, but it sure feels like it is just evaporating away every week. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Unsure about my abilities, unsure about my expectations and whether I can fulfill them. I'm not even sure about how I feel about this whole thing anymore - whether my fears and, dare I say it, insecurities, are even founded. Or is this much ado about nothing?

So many questions, so little answers. And absolutely no time at all to try to figure it out.

Back to computing now.

Walking on ice

Montreal has freakish weather. Since coming here, I have encountered 30 degree heat in the summer, 40cm of snow, -20 degree cold, and wind chill that brings that down to –30. It gets so cold that the moisture on your palms freezes the moment you touch any metal door handles when opening doors and your breath freezes on your collars. But the most intense weather phenomenon has got to be freezing rain.

Basically, freezing rain occurs when precipitation starts out as snow. The snow passes through warm air and melts completely. It then passes through a thin layer of cold air just before it hits the surface. While passing through, it cools to below freezing point, but doesn’t freeze. The super-cooled rain drops then freeze upon impact with the ground.

Freezing rain hit Montreal overnight on Tuesday, 9pm, turning into rain on Wednesday morning, 4am, wrecking havoc in downtown Montreal. If you want an idea of how slippery it was, go take an ice cube from your fridge and hold it with 2 fingers. Not too difficult right? Then wet the ice cube, and try to hold it with two fingers. The freezing rain laid down a layer of ice all over downtown that was an inch thick. When it turned into normal rain, it conveniently washed away all the grit laid on the pavements and roads.

Roads had to be closed, bus routes were disrupted and some schools were closed. McGill wasn’t one of them, but I’ll get back to that later. Cars struggled to find traction on the slick surface, even on level roads. All of Rue University above Sherbrooke was closed as there were cars that were just sliding back down that road, which slopes upwards On Sherbrooke and University, a car floundered in the middle of the intersection while making a left turn. The driver had to keep revving his engine to keep from sliding back into the cars behind him, and a police officer has to slide over to push the car from behind just so it could actually make the turn. Up on Peel and des Pins, firemen had to set up ropes so that pedestrians could cross the road without sliding down the sloping roads. Pedestrians were slipping and sliding all around, some (including me) getting on all fours just to avoid falling down.

For those of you who have not been to Montreal before, McGill’s campus is partially located on an incline, and the Residences are located on top of a hill. It was a wonder that people actually bothered to brave the slopes of University above des Pins to get to school. And this is where the ranting starts.

Given the treacherous conditions, I have no idea why the McGill administration did not cancel classes for the day on Wednesday. Of the 800 – 1000 or so students living in Upper Residence, I have no idea how many decided to actually go to class. My friends who did told me that once you started down that slope, you just slid right down, and the only way to stop yourself was to fall. So fall they did. Almost everyone fell on the way to school, and my Prof for my 8:30am Calculus class came in late, telling us that he had fallen 3 times on the way.

If Rue University had to be closed until 11am because cars couldn’t get up, surely, the school’s administration could not have expected people to actually walk down the slope to their classes. And if all the roads leading to upper campus were impassable to vehicles, how did they expect pedestrians to be able to make it to class? Granted, it could be done, but at great risk to the students. The Montreal Gazette reported on Thursday that there were 14 minor bus accidents all over Montreal, and by 11am, the ambulance service had logged over 400 calls, twice the number it normally receives in a day.

Given that McGill has this habit of sending belated E-mails about class cancellations and the like, the very least they could have done was to send out a similar E-mail warning students of the conditions in the morning if they didn’t cancel class. Or they could have at least informed students of the road closures. It might have been a little late, but some sort of response from the administration would have been better than nothing. But there was not even a mention of anything when I checked the University website at about 10 that morning. It was as if the weather outside was completely normal. It was not. And we should have been told. The lack of any response, however uncoordinated and however late, is a indicator of shoddy, sub-par administration.

On Ave des Pins and Rue Peel, firefighters set up ropes to help pedestrains cross the road.

Uncertain

Sometimes I wonder if I’m holding on to something that is no longer there anymore. Maybe I only saw what I wanted to see, and maybe now I see things for what they really are. Or maybe I’m just over-analysing things. Of late, I have become rather unsure of myself. Uncertain about where my place is, about where I stand, about what I see, and about what I know.

Which partially explains the recent lack of blog posts. I type something out halfway, and then I read it and think to myself, “Do I really want to say this?” or “Is that what I really want to say?” and the blog post is abandoned. Having talked about things with people curtails the urge for me to blog. Sometimes, the mere act of typing my thoughts out onto a screen is enough. I don’t feel the need or the urge to actually post what I write.

But I digress. I see this never-ending flood of work that comes in every week, and wonder to myself why I even bother sometimes. Why is it that now, when I actually decide that doing my work is important, and when I do actually get down to doing it, I find it so much harder? It seemed so much easier before, when I just left work undone. Back then, even though I hardly touched my homework and didn’t know what was going on in half my classes, I actually felt somewhat intelligent. Now, I actually know what’s going on in all my classes, but I detect in my mental faculties a lack of sharpness.

It could be that now, I actually know what I don’t know. I used to satisfy myself that I could not expect myself to know anything since I didn’t do any work whatsoever. So maybe now that I actually am keeping up, I expect myself to know everything. I never used to be like that. It could be due to the demands of the school calendar; there is no time to catch up since exams start right after the last day of school.

Underlying all this is the nagging feeling that intellectually, I just don’t feel I’m at my best, and I struggle to find a way to rediscover the form that I once had. I even fear that might not even be possible anymore. To add to all this, I honestly have no clue how I should even go about trying to find that form again. My mind feels dull, and though the academic results seem to indicate otherwise (for now at least), I feel I am capable of better, and my inability to rediscover my best frustrates me.

Coherence escapes me, and my readings on liberalism beckon, so it’s back to work. Again.

Back to school

As I begin to slowly settle back into school, I'm both excited and apprehensive. Excited because there are lots of interesting courses that I'm doing, and yet apprehensive because all of the courses I'm enrolled in require lots of work. There are no public holidays this school term, not a single one, and so we have a one week "spring" "break" in February, "spring" because spring in Montreal isn't really spring - January and February are the coldest months in a year, and "break" because, well, there are no classes. But not having classes doesn't mean that you don't have loads of readings, assignments, papers due and midterms right after.

It is only the 2nd day of school, and I already have deadlines for 3 assignments, 3 papers, an oral presentation and a group project. Not to mention the labs, tutorials and reading for class. And most of the profs in my classes have decided that posting new assignments every week or so is the "in" thing, and have decided they want to be cool and funky too. And who could forget the final examinations. Whoo-hoo.

On the other hand, part of me is, for reasons not very apparent to me, quitely confident that I will manage all of this somehow. Maybe it's because with almost all my first sem grades in, I'm doing alright. Not fantastic, but not too shoddy either. So if I've done it once before, I probably could do it again. But just because I've done something before, doesn't necessarily mean that I'd like or want to do it again. Then again, I don't have all that much of a choice.

I'm probably just over thinking things, but that's what this place is for. Catharsis. I just need to vent.

I'm not all that coherent today, and if you're confused by me, well, that's the point. That's exactly how I feel. Confused.

2006

Happy New Year Everyone!

I haven't blogged in the last 3 weeks or so of December 2005 mainly because my brain just shut down after the madness that is McGill final exams. Anyway, just to update, I went to Quebec City and Ottawa to relax after exams. Quebec City was really pretty and really cold, pictures are up on the flickr account. Ottawa was boring, and had a rather British feel to it. Not many interesting photos from that trip, so I didn't post them on my account.

Christmas was spent in Montreal, went to St Patrick's Basilica for mass on Christmas Eve, and it was the nicest Christmas mass I've been to. Christmas dinner was beef rendang, grilled salmon and some nice rose wine. Not quite the traditional Christmas eve dinner with Grandma's cooking, but close enough. Snow on Christmas night made it really beautiful, and a white Christmas to remember.

Laksa for dinner on New Year's Eve, and went to Old Montreal to catch fireworks to usher in the new year. The fireworks display was really nice, and it was pretty cold too, so didn't hang around too long to indulge in the revelry.

So 2005 has come and gone and it has been a pretty good year. ORD'ed in May (ahhh, the smell of freedom is oh-so-sweet), went over to McGill at the end of August, and now have completed my first term of University. Not all my grades for the term are in yet, but I'm doing alright.

Hopefully, as school picks up again my brain will too, and I'll blog a little more frequently. But then again, my course load is a little heavier next sem, so I will have to see how things go. I will try. I promise. I know some of you come here quite frequently, so I'll try my best to keep this blog updated.