Questions

It has been 10 days since the last post. I wanted to blog about the elections in Canada. I wanted talk about the upcoming elections in Singapore, the indifference, and overseas voting. I have wanted to blog in a long time. And I have a lot to say. But inevitably, school, and the work associated with it always gets to me. I spent 7 hours on an essay about liberalism last weekend, and this weekend, I spent half a day programming, and another day working on my physics assignments. And those damn assignments are still not completed.

When you have spend a disproportionate amount of time on assignments every weekend, it's hard not to question whether you really shoule be doing this, and whether or not 2 and a half years on inactivity is just too much for your brain to shake off. I told myself I needed time, that the neurons would start firing again. After 5 months, I'm not so sure anymore. When you spend over half a day trying to figure out 5 or 6 problems, you begin to wonder whether you really are cut out for this, and whether you really want to do this after all. Geeky as it sounds, I actually would like some time to myself just so that I can spend time reviewing my work, and I simply can't find the time for even that.

Maybe university life is supposed to be like that, maybe I'm expecting too much of myself. But I see people around me squeezing out enough time out of their busy schedules. And isn't lowering your expectations a sort of escapism? It's so ironic how I used to worry so much less about my work when I didn't bother with it. I used to be able to pick things up quickly, and come to grips with what was required of me. Not anymore. Maybe not yet, maybe I do indeed still need time to shake off the years of unuse. But maybe not ever is also a possibility.

It's still only the first year, and I might still be adjusting, but the knowledge that next year is supposed to be the hardest in my 4 year program is not at all encouraging. I know my posts recently have been really whiny/angsty. I don't want to feel like this, but for 2 weekends in a row now, I revisit the whole "do I REALLY REALLY want this?" and "am I actually cut out for this?" phase.

The self-confidence that I used to have is shaken, and seems to be disappearing. It might not look like it from the outside, but it sure feels like it is just evaporating away every week. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Unsure about my abilities, unsure about my expectations and whether I can fulfill them. I'm not even sure about how I feel about this whole thing anymore - whether my fears and, dare I say it, insecurities, are even founded. Or is this much ado about nothing?

So many questions, so little answers. And absolutely no time at all to try to figure it out.

Back to computing now.