Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Why I continuosly choose to set expectations for myself, and then come out disappointed, and feeling really stupid. Feeling that all that work has been a waste. It would be so much easier to go back to when I really didn't care. But that was when things didn't really matter.
In the bigger scheme of things, they probably don't matter as much as I think they do. But that's how it always is isn't it? When you look back at what mattered to you in the past, more often than not, you still get by even if you didn't succeed at what mattered to you way back when. So maybe all I have to do is scale down my expectations, and avoid all of this - the feeling lousy, and stupid, and the questioning of what I'm doing, whether I really want to do it, and whether I'm actually even cut out for this. The distinct and unshakeable feeling that it's probably just beyond my reach; that 2 years of neglect is just too much to overcome. The gut feel that maybe I'm just looking for excuses when there are none.
If I've always believed, and still believe that my grades everything, then why do they matter so much? Maybe they matter more to me than I'd like to admit. Maybe the belief that grades define a person is more ingrained in me than I thought. And yet I don't judge people by the grades, and I never have. I guess the standards I set for myself are just different.
Maybe it is time to re-evaluate those standards.
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1 comment:
Hi Tim,
Perhaps the distinction should be between expectations and targets - they are two separate things.
More of... setting achievable targets which are stepping stones to fulfiling (yours or others) expectations?
Have faith in yourself - believe that you can reach the end in mind.
Just a stranger passing by.
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