Uncertain

Sometimes I wonder if I’m holding on to something that is no longer there anymore. Maybe I only saw what I wanted to see, and maybe now I see things for what they really are. Or maybe I’m just over-analysing things. Of late, I have become rather unsure of myself. Uncertain about where my place is, about where I stand, about what I see, and about what I know.

Which partially explains the recent lack of blog posts. I type something out halfway, and then I read it and think to myself, “Do I really want to say this?” or “Is that what I really want to say?” and the blog post is abandoned. Having talked about things with people curtails the urge for me to blog. Sometimes, the mere act of typing my thoughts out onto a screen is enough. I don’t feel the need or the urge to actually post what I write.

But I digress. I see this never-ending flood of work that comes in every week, and wonder to myself why I even bother sometimes. Why is it that now, when I actually decide that doing my work is important, and when I do actually get down to doing it, I find it so much harder? It seemed so much easier before, when I just left work undone. Back then, even though I hardly touched my homework and didn’t know what was going on in half my classes, I actually felt somewhat intelligent. Now, I actually know what’s going on in all my classes, but I detect in my mental faculties a lack of sharpness.

It could be that now, I actually know what I don’t know. I used to satisfy myself that I could not expect myself to know anything since I didn’t do any work whatsoever. So maybe now that I actually am keeping up, I expect myself to know everything. I never used to be like that. It could be due to the demands of the school calendar; there is no time to catch up since exams start right after the last day of school.

Underlying all this is the nagging feeling that intellectually, I just don’t feel I’m at my best, and I struggle to find a way to rediscover the form that I once had. I even fear that might not even be possible anymore. To add to all this, I honestly have no clue how I should even go about trying to find that form again. My mind feels dull, and though the academic results seem to indicate otherwise (for now at least), I feel I am capable of better, and my inability to rediscover my best frustrates me.

Coherence escapes me, and my readings on liberalism beckon, so it’s back to work. Again.