Not if, but when

It's not a question of if, but when.

At the beginning of every semester, I wonder to myself when the hours spent on classes, the endless assignments and midterms will get to me. When the 10 or so hours spent in the library on the weekends will finally make me stop to re-evaluate and ask myself, yet again, how much I really want to be doing this.

I wonder how soon I reach the critical breaking point. Just like during the 72-kilometer route march that I had to do while serving in the Armed Forces. The point where you're so exhausted your brain is telling you that you should probably stop. If you do stop, you probably won't get to the finish. And if you don't, more often than not, you make it. To be absolutely honest, McGill's semester isn't all that different from that route march.

It happens every semester.

Coming back from school everyday at 6 (or later), knowing that I can only allow myself a short break after dinner before I have to get down to work is tiring. Waking up in the mornings with my brain still tired, and obviously not sufficiently rested from the previous day's work makes me think that I sleep only so that the night will pass by more quickly.

So eventually the questions start coming.

Why am I doing this? Is it really what I want to do? If, like everyone says, it is only going to get worse when I graduate, do I really still want to be doing this? Do I really enjoy what I'm doing? What did I get myself into? Is there something else I'd rather be doing?

And the truth is, I have no concrete answers to any of these questions.

Then, the pragmatic Singaporean in me speaks up: It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you don't like what you are doing, if you want to be doing something else. This IS what you want to be doing because it earns you a living. Who cares about personal satisfaction?

Of course, I will remind myself that it DOES matter to me. And upon reflection, I always point out to myself that electrical engineering is something that interests me, that I am really enjoying my classes, and that I am not studying it just because it is going to earn me a living.

So I have this whole debate with myself again, and I have to admit that there is a bit of all of the above motivations that is driving me. I am undeniably, a product of the Singapore system.

At the end of the day, the issue of what my real motivations are is never really resolved. I don't think it ever will be; but re-evaluating is probably not a bad thing because it tends to give perspective.

And perspective is needed now, because this is the first breaking point this semester.

10 hours spent in the library over the weekend, an assignment that was due Monday, a lab report due Wednesday, and midterms on Wednesday and Friday. Oh, and of course the small matter of having to go to classes until 5 or 6 Monday to Thursday. Yesterday was midterm 1. Class from 10:30 am to 5:30 pm, no breaks in between, and then the mid-term from 6:30 to 9. By the time I get home I am so utterly exhausted I cannot think straight.

I wake up this morning and I know I really should just take a break, but I can't, because there is another midterm on Friday for which I have to study for. There's just one more day to go, before the weekend brings temporary and very fleeting respite, for there is another midterm next Friday. After that, Reading Week beckons, and then the cycle repeats itself.

It's just down to plugging away and blocking the tiredness out. After this week, I'll probably feel a lot better. Looking out at Montreal at night, it helps to feel small and insignificant.

Because if I am small and insignificant, then my problems probably are too.