Out in the cold and in the dark, hanging by a thread, I search for answers as to why things are the way they are now. I know they will not be found, for they are not mine to give, but for some reason I try anyway, as if maybe it's all my fault after all and I should be the one to make it right.

And now I'm re-evaluating everything, because this has led me to wonder how much I really mean to all the people I know. Do I mean as much to them as they do to me? What are the dynamics of these relationships? With whom does the balance of power lie?

Should I really be so pragmatic and mercenary? I used to think not, but maybe, that was my mistake. Because really, we always expect something from our friends in return don't we? It might not be much, but that expectation still exists.

No expectations, no disappointments. That's so easy to say but the truth is, if you search yourself hard enough, you'll find that you do have expectations anyway. And it is when you feel that these expectations are a minimum and yet not fulfilled that there is the greatest disappointment.

Actions speak louder than words, or so the saying goes. Sometimes, inaction speaks volumes too.

So where do things stand? The answers don't lie with me. So I'm back to where I started from anyway, slave to the whims and fancies of others - sitting on my hands, staring blankly into space, with no control over what happens.

I've given it my all, done everything I could. Sometimes that simply isn't enough. If there was more that could have been done, someone tell me what that was, for I don't see it.

Here and now

Fatigued. Mentally, physically, emotionally fatigued. This semester has felt a lot longer than it really is, although curiously enough, my schedule is actually somewhat lighter in terms of class hours. The classes are harder, and require a lot more work, so that probably more than makes up for it.

I long to take to the field again for that fleeting escape from everything. To be among friends, to have meaningless banter, to have fun, win or lose. To feel the scorching sun on my back, to get home exhausted and raw, but thoroughly satisfied.

Unfortunately, exams beckon. 16 more days before the start of exams, and then, after 11 days, it will all be over.

But who am I kidding? There is precious little to look forward to after that. However, now is not the time for self-reflection.

Time to focus on the here and now.

Not if, but when

It's not a question of if, but when.

At the beginning of every semester, I wonder to myself when the hours spent on classes, the endless assignments and midterms will get to me. When the 10 or so hours spent in the library on the weekends will finally make me stop to re-evaluate and ask myself, yet again, how much I really want to be doing this.

I wonder how soon I reach the critical breaking point. Just like during the 72-kilometer route march that I had to do while serving in the Armed Forces. The point where you're so exhausted your brain is telling you that you should probably stop. If you do stop, you probably won't get to the finish. And if you don't, more often than not, you make it. To be absolutely honest, McGill's semester isn't all that different from that route march.

It happens every semester.

Coming back from school everyday at 6 (or later), knowing that I can only allow myself a short break after dinner before I have to get down to work is tiring. Waking up in the mornings with my brain still tired, and obviously not sufficiently rested from the previous day's work makes me think that I sleep only so that the night will pass by more quickly.

So eventually the questions start coming.

Why am I doing this? Is it really what I want to do? If, like everyone says, it is only going to get worse when I graduate, do I really still want to be doing this? Do I really enjoy what I'm doing? What did I get myself into? Is there something else I'd rather be doing?

And the truth is, I have no concrete answers to any of these questions.

Then, the pragmatic Singaporean in me speaks up: It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you don't like what you are doing, if you want to be doing something else. This IS what you want to be doing because it earns you a living. Who cares about personal satisfaction?

Of course, I will remind myself that it DOES matter to me. And upon reflection, I always point out to myself that electrical engineering is something that interests me, that I am really enjoying my classes, and that I am not studying it just because it is going to earn me a living.

So I have this whole debate with myself again, and I have to admit that there is a bit of all of the above motivations that is driving me. I am undeniably, a product of the Singapore system.

At the end of the day, the issue of what my real motivations are is never really resolved. I don't think it ever will be; but re-evaluating is probably not a bad thing because it tends to give perspective.

And perspective is needed now, because this is the first breaking point this semester.

10 hours spent in the library over the weekend, an assignment that was due Monday, a lab report due Wednesday, and midterms on Wednesday and Friday. Oh, and of course the small matter of having to go to classes until 5 or 6 Monday to Thursday. Yesterday was midterm 1. Class from 10:30 am to 5:30 pm, no breaks in between, and then the mid-term from 6:30 to 9. By the time I get home I am so utterly exhausted I cannot think straight.

I wake up this morning and I know I really should just take a break, but I can't, because there is another midterm on Friday for which I have to study for. There's just one more day to go, before the weekend brings temporary and very fleeting respite, for there is another midterm next Friday. After that, Reading Week beckons, and then the cycle repeats itself.

It's just down to plugging away and blocking the tiredness out. After this week, I'll probably feel a lot better. Looking out at Montreal at night, it helps to feel small and insignificant.

Because if I am small and insignificant, then my problems probably are too.