I give up

I didn't have much to write about until the weekend, but now I have loads to talk about. First and foremost is related to my going to Canada for studies.

I can live with the fact that my dad worries about lots of things. I can live with the fact that he worries about my tuition fees and residence fees and all. I can live with the fact that he worries whether I'll be able to cope academically. I can live with the fact that he worries period.

But I can't stand it when he asks me to find out things for regarding my university education in Canada, and when I tell him he says "Tell to your mother lah". Because she is not the one who's worried about these things. Because HE asked me to find out. Because HE has the final say. He wanted to know more about my residence fees. Fine. I went to find out, and it is a legitimate concern. So I find out the difference between having a to myself and sharing a room with someone else is C$500. Having lived in communal conditions for 2 years, I'd rather live alone, in my own room. Maybe I'm anti-social. So be it. I want my personal space.

So I broach the subject to him.

"Can I get a singe room in McGill? The difference between a single room and a double is only $500 a year."

"How long exactly is a year?"
(McGill has 2 types of residence, one with an 11 month lease and one with an 8 month lease)

"8 months."

"Why do you want to live in a single room?"

"Well, because I don't want to be stuck with a lousy roommate?"

"How much does it cost again.?"

"C$500 a year, I'd be willing to pay the difference between a single and double room."
(My agreement with my parents is that they pay for my tuition and residence, and I'll pay for living expenses)

"Tsk, we should try to save money, how much is the total going to cost then?"

"I'm not sure, I gotta check the estimates we made before, but the difference in the housing costs is only going to be C$500."

"I dunno lah, talk to your mother"

I know we should try to save money, but that's why I asked my parents whether they were financially able to pay for my university expenses, whether they needed help. I was told not to worry. And anyway I offered to fork out the difference. And I don't understand why I now need to do an estimate of the costs all over again.

We already did that. I even managed to get him to sit down with me so that he could see how I arrived at the final estimate. So that I could answer his questions as best as I could. So that I could explain to him the costs as I understood them. So that I could include stuff in the estimates that he wanted.

Now the difference in the estimate of housing is going to be C$500, that's all. I'm not going to another faculty, I'm not deciding to go to another university with different costs. Everything is THE SAME. Housing's just going to cost C$500 more.

Anyway, my mum was in the room, so she tried to talk to my dad. I just walked out of the room to let him fret it out with my mum. I didn't want to hear it because it's always the same. He worries about some aspect of my university education , be it financial, academic, whatever. He then asks me to find out. So I oblige, I go find out, and tell him what I found out. Then he worries again and he asks me to find out more, or "talk to my mother".

So my mum comes to talk to me to ask me for the estimates. Which he had a hand in drawing up. So I regurgitate everything to her, and add in the C$500 difference. Which is basically what I told him before. How a full blown estimate is going to change the C$500 difference I don't know.

I can't stand that he wants me to keep him informed about what's going on with my application, but when I do, he tells me to "find out more" or "talk to my mum" when everything has to eventually go through him, when he will have to endorse the decision, not my mum. I don't understand why he has to hear things from my mum, when I know more about the process than she has to. And when she does explain things to him, she'll eventually get back to me to ask me to explain things to him in front of her.

This is quite frankly getting fucking ridiculous. I don't understand why my mum has to be put in the middle, why he has to hear everything at least twice, if not 3 times, from me or my mum. It doesn't change what he hears. I don't understand why he likes to worry about things he can't do anything about. Like I told my mum, if I'm going to study overseas, there are some costs that you can't avoid, no matter how much you worry about them. Like rent, like living expenses. Like it or not, you have to pay for these things. Worry about these thing is not going to make them go away. This was why I already asked my parents if they could afford it financially, whether I needed to chip in.

"We have more than enough."

Not just enough, but more than enough. And anyway, like I said, I offered to pay the bloody difference.

I give up. There are some uncertainties you just have to live with and deal with as they come along. If he wants to worry about every single thing, then I might as well not go. Stay in Singapore and study in NUS. No need to worry about food and lodging, no need to worry about exchange rate, no need to worry about expenses. No need to worry period.

I don't want to go anymore. I just can't stand it.